My dog had Cancer; November 1990

This is a day, October 27, 1990 I’ve been dreading all week. I’m writing this in November 1990. It’s taken me this long to get over it a little. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it fully and what an impact it had on me personally. In the afternoon Charlie took Kelly to the vet and told Dr. H to put Kelly to sleep. I’ll explain how I lead up to that decision. On the 23rd of October, I came home form Marla’s at around one o’clock, as I entered the basement I could hear Kelly start to have one of his seizures. Every time he has a seizure it gives me such pain because I know there is nothing for me to do but wait and hop it’s over soon. At that moment I realized I couldn’t stand to seem him go through any more pain. The only alternative would be to put him to sleep. At least I knew this is what the vet would tell me. In November of ‘89 Dr. H said we would have to decided at some point when Kelly’s quality of life wasn’t very good any more. Anyways I phoned the vet a few hours later. I explained to Dr. H that Kelly was having on average of five seizures a week, usually within a twenty four hour period. Kelly had to lay down to eat because he couldn’t stand or sit for very long. He was having trouble getting up and down the stairs, he seemed confused and he had something coming out of his eyes which was causing his fur on his face to fall out. Dr. H said it doesn’t sound like epilepsy but possible a tumor and as I told you a year ago you should decide how Kelly’s quality of life really is. I told Charlie what he said, he wasn’t too happy about it. The way I think he felt is that he didn’t want to put Kelly to sleep. If he was very attached to Kelly I really doubt it, but I could be wrong. In my mind I had already decided that it had to be done soon. I had noticed lately how sad Kelly really looked, almost like he was saying please help me. I talked to Marla on the 26th. By then Charlie had made up his mind actually on the 23rd, he told me he would take Kelly in on the Saturday to be put to sleep. Anyways I asked Marla how it was for her when she put their dog down. She said I think you’re at the same point as we were. Our dog looked so sad and seemed to be saying do something please. Talking to her did help me even though I knew it would be extremely difficult to let go. I had a number of talks with Kelly, as painful as they were. I hoped he would understand what I was trying to tell him. I told him I loved him a lot, that it hurt me something terrible to hear him cry out in pain every time he had a seizure, but I felt I had to put him to sleep. Once he was asleep he wouldn’t feel any more pain and he would be with Missy. Say hi to Missy for me when you get there okay Kelly? I told him. I talked to him on Friday and again on Saturday. All the while I was talking I brushed him. I wanted him to look good before he left. Then the horrible moment came. Alex was watching TV, so he didn’t know wheat was happening. I put Kelly’s leash on and I said I love you a lot Kelly, goodbye. Charlie said stop that. I said just go. Finally they left and while they were going Charlie said now Kelly knows something is up. I had to say goodbye. I cried just before Charlie said stop that and was still crying after they left. I felt so number after they left I tried to keep busy but my mind kept on coming back to Kelly. I wondered if I had done the right thing or not, but in the back of my mind I knew Kelly shouldn’t go on like that anymore. I still feel it isn’t right that we had to decide to put Kelly to sleep. I had hoped he would go in his sleep. Charlie got back at three o’clock. I didn’t ask any details I just didn’t want to know at that time. Charlie told later without me asking. The next day Charlie had to work so we went out. I couldn’t stand being in the house and know Kelly wasn’t coming back. Sometimes I thought the vet would phone and say Kelly was alright and we could come and get him. The next few days were the worst and I would choke up and come very close to tears. Couldn’t see how I would ever go on. I did cry over the next few days which seemed to help me get over my grief. One of the hard things to do is to tell someone. I told Dr. S and Allison on Tuesday, it was all I could do to contain myself while telling Allison. Alex didn’t find out about Kelly until the four days later. Alex asked Pa where Kelly was, Pa said at the vets. Then he asked me why. I said because Kelly is very sick. Then Alex asked when is Kelly coming back. I said he isn’t. Alex said don’t be funny, Mama. When is he coming back. I said Alex he isn’t coming back. Ales said why is he in Heaven. I said yes. Alex said and you didn’t even tell me? The he ran to his room. Alex was a bit upset but he took it quite well. Marla figures because Kelly like their dog was away from the rest of the family.. The child doesn’t miss them as much. It’s taken me days to write this. It’s still hard talking about putting kelly to sleep but I do feel better about doing it. He had too much pain for any dog to endure. November 2014 The years following Kelly’s passing, I didn’t get another dog. Having to put him to sleep was too much for me and I didn’t think I could do it again. In 2008 my father passed away and he had asked me to take his dog Max. I had since divorced Charlie and was in a relationship. My future husband at the time lived in Saskatchewan. So we moved Max with me to Saskatchewan. During the months following we thought Max was depressed. My husband pushed for me to get another dog. So in December of 2008 we went to a breeder and looked at puppy Pugs. I feel in love with the runt of the litter. I called him Hoss and he made my adjustment to Saskatchewan so much easier. Now we have 6 dogs. Max a 15 years old Cairn Terrier, Hoss a 6 years old Pug, Boozer a 5 year old Pug, Diesel, Smokey and Holly who are 2 year old Pugs. I loved my dogs dearly, I guess I making up for lost time!